if you're like me

If you're like me, you examine the beauty supplies of the 99 Cent Palace with the curiosity others use to hold a baby or flip through legal documents. And if you're like me you compulsively buy pocket-sized plastic items with an unreasonable regularity. Because if you're like me then only really big amounts of money have any utility and lower-value monetary units are expendable without regulation or remorse. If we're really this similar then you've probably wanted to buy all the combs from 99 Cent Palace at once but that would cost you like $12, which you'd probably recognize is the price of a cab ride and cabs are expensive. But thankfully, for people like us, there's ocular help.

IN YOUR DEFENSE

ARTIST STATEMENT
'

VIDEO



TEXT
Good evening! Hi, thank you for coming to What Do You THink You're Looking At Shrimp self-defense and avoidance class for beginners.

My name is Captain Alaina, and I'll be assisted in teaching by my first mate, and yours, Mark DeNardo and tonight we'll be accompanied by the lovely Camilla Padgitt-Coles!

We're here this evening to teach you a shocking self-defense secret that's SO POWERFUL that it has THOUSDANDS of liberals screaming and begging to have it banned by the government.

Guns? Knives? Multiple attackers? Even just trying to pretect your roommates from unsolitited facebook messages. It will all become easy squeasy hi-ya freezy after this evening.

So now Mark is going to kick it off with some basic, violent stretches that every American should know!



1st STRETCH SET
1. stand with arms up and try to keep shoulders low
2. back bend/forward bend
3. tree pose

Have you ever had the nighttime dream of fighting back against an unstoppable attacker? Where, no matter how much force and reverse psychology you used, you just couldn't beat the nightmare away? Well, I'm here to tell you that in real life, it's 1000x times worse.

Assault occurs every seven seconds in the US, So shouldn';t you just carry a gun?

A gun is a good option. But when your heart rate gets above 145 beats per minute, then you have no fine motor movements. Thanks to your fear-induced state, you won't be able to poke somebody in the eye..But unless you're one of those guys who's been to iraq six or seven times, you really only have a 4% chance of shooting your attacker when assaulted.

To balance, focus on the area of the room where you think the gun is.

Scared yet? You should be.

We're here to help you walk with confidence, with self assurance, and without guit. You could be in your prime, but chances are you've gained 15 pounds and lost a step. Your life consists of a diet of horrors that you proceed to wash down with the exhaust of a taco truck.
Be thankful for the incredible power we're putting back into your sweaty hands.

These life saving moves

In a fear-induced stress situation, you're only going to remember to do what comes naturally

self defense has one purpose - to _____

Girls get a lot of abuse around here because boys hassle them quite a bit


Comparing apples to oranges to mangos

When you least expect, your body will become 135 lbs of fury.

DEFENSE AGAINST THE NATURAL ELEMENTS ((2nd STRETCH SET))
1. childs pose.
2. rabbit's pose.
3. childs pose with upstretched arms

This is information every person should know if they live in the tornado-prone Midwest.

LOOK FOR SIGNS OF HUMAN OR ANIMAL ACTIVITY. Dropping, scents, crumpled receipts, smoke, track, roads, little collars with bells, semen, gum wrappers, banana peels, wires, buildings, vehicles, or used tampons.

The two forms of face camouflage for the wild are called SLASH and BLOTCH so one looks like you've been whipped mercilously and left for dead and the other resembles some degenerative tropical skin disease.

Avoid silhouetting. Avoid disturbing the vegetation above knee level. Do not break branches, leaves or grass.

If you are outdoors, move to an open area away from buildings, trees, power poles, brick or block walls and other objects. If you are indoors hid beneath something strong and sturdy, like a chair your mother-in-law is seated on.

Draw a floor plan of your apartment and show it to your cat, as it may not be fully aware of its closest exit. Scared yet?

Make a pillow trench. Couch cushions will soften any blows flying debris could cause to your body.

After the lugey of god has ravaged the world in which you function, DO NOT GO SIGHTSEEING. DO NOT GO FOR A JOG IN ORDER TO PEEP UPROOTED TREES AND PEOPLE CRYING. You'll get enough of that on the news as soon as your power is restored.

Assume a non-threatening posture, conceal your small, illegal weapons, and do not approach the recovery vehicle until instructed.

Light colored hair? Give special attention to conceal with a scarf or mosquito head net.

((PUT CAMOUFLAGE DU-RAG OVER FACE))
I'm using my words to maintain your mental and emotional safety.

Self-defense has one purpose and one purpose only - to protect you from your miserable past.

You're not as poorly behaved as your forefathers. Your life is easier than theirs was, and because of it you are less damaged. You never strangled your own father. No one ever threw an axe at you. In turn, your outlook is generally sunnier. You come from a long line of monsterous people and so occasionally your malicious DNA activates the part of your brain that concocts hurtful, anonymous posts on the Internet

How do you treat the knowledge of faraway suffering?

With savage indifference.

That's a horrible story. And yes, it's self defense.

Jazz Massagers Soundcloud

I had to make a Soundcloud because we're hosting a 4/20 show at DBA.

http://soundcloud.com/jazzmassagers

CERTAIN DISTORTIONS

December 2011

VIDEO


PHOTOS


TEXT
(please excuse typos, as I was the party stenographer for the event)
the group is attempting to determine the loudest for each respective form
28 is my loudest
i'm a little nervous because i forgot my pocket thesaurus
so i can only use phrasings that are currently comfortable
12,345 means that it's time to stop
1
one is daren ho. he's wearing his traditional desert garb and h
2
two is adam markevitz
3
three is taraka larson. she just made eye contact with me
4
four is oh shit
four is julian
julian is playing a symbol and he smiled at me because he can't see that i forgot that his last name is bennet-holmes
my opponent tonight is traviss smalley
he wasn't wearing that shirt when we both got here
i can't see taraka because she's extended an ocean of foil

only daren and adam are playing, and they are joined again by julian, who needs only one hand
adam stops, but he was reminiscent of a carolina parakeet
taraka's foil is rushing in
i can't see what daren is doing
it seems really gentle but it sounds vibrant and worrysome

12345 are at once

my opponent has created a petri dish of wild, universal proportions on the ceiling
i can't compete with that

julian and adam are clearly competing
taraka just looked at the screen and i felt embarrassed
daren looked at the ceiling and then calmly came back to his work
i misspelled calmly, twice

at knicks games they hand out these terrible blue and orange sticks to allow fans to hit them together when the opposing team is about to shoot a basketball, in hopes of distracting them

my opponent is projecting these terrible sticks, their horrific distracting power obstructing the universe. i can't compete with that

i guess if i played violin for eight years i would have a dazzling neon green bow, too

taraka's sheath is over her head
julian isn't straining himself, instead he's calming competing with adam, who is beginning to sweat

my left arm hurts, have my friends call an ambulence

traviss is projecting some kind of fucked up vincent van gogh slur

julian just looked at me
the bird that adam is imitating is in danger

1
everything was quiet so i took a shot of whisky
oh boy

daren reminds me going running up a tin slide

4
julian reminds me of the saints

seva took me to an opera for my birthday this year and the set of one of the pieces looked exactly like the projection that traviss has just put on the ceiling

2
adam is playing the violin with his teeth
i used to think electric violins were uncool because i only ever saw them played next to the mcdonald's in penn station
but adam has changed a lot of my perspective

my opponents projection was the one that he visual-tested with
i've been waiting for it

3
i just realized that taraka is making that beat

5
are traviss and i both 5? is jesse 5? is the audience 5? are the budweisers holding up the projector 5?

taraka is soundscaping the transfer of drummers
she's is probably a little bit sad to see julian go

adam's fingers are getting tired

there's a marvelous marble on the ceiling, i can't compete with that.

this is the part in the piece where we all hurl ourselves forward, the chance to finally become the quitessential forms that we present ourselves as

taraka's face is a big, silver bloom

traviss' face is calm

adam's face is hair

daren's face is calm

the new drummer just smiled at me

35
the new symbol is incredible
the foil slowing to a stop was so elegant

we have a hummingbird feeder outside of our apartment in los angeles, and the new drummer reminds me of sitting on the couch and waiting for something to show up

3
taraka removed her jacket and is lighting the foil in the shine of the projector
there were so many tiny coins on the floor beside me

my left hand

the new drummer is rubbing his symbol

3 and 4 are so especially tremerous
tremerotic

1
daren adds this really mysterious aspect to everything that i'm trying to confirm as the mission for the group

have i been slouching this whole time?

my opponent is projecting something so bright that birds would sing and think it was not night


i almost choked on my coffee because my opponent is projecthing this most tin

2
adam's sound is loud and grouchy

3
taraka froze
4
3

my left arm is broken

the important thing to remember is that you're in a room in which everything is at once under scrunity and enjoyed

taraka has developed a new pattern
adam and his opponent are frighteningly similar
my opponent and i are vaguely different

taraka and daren are not opposing

things are tense in the middle of the room
tight and stringent
warm and nerve-wracking

1
i typed the wrong number

if the middle of the room is a beach then the building is the summer and the block is inexplicable

adam and his opponent are the hardest working men in all of the center of the room
taraka and daren are the type of people who have put things in perspective

my opponent is just beating the shit out of me

taraka has been circling her body of tinsel in the most time-sensitive way

adam and his opponent are both drumming

daren won't admit it but he is partially smiling

the thing above me right now is as fast as the drummer and as slow as taraka
i've forgotten that the ceiling is crimped

i'm never going to be able to make a fist with my left hand again

42

i'll never be able to do interpretive dance with my left hand again

the drummer is making the sound of ripping tape with his mouth
i looked up because i thought someone was trying to tape something together

taraka has really made that piece of foil work for her
it looks like much and it's actually quite effective

abstract vocalizations are some of my favorite forms of expression, re: drummer

5

the ceiling has gone quiet

in the room people are laughing, enjoying themselves
but in the center something strange is happening

traviss and daren are a cohesive unit
adam is what i'm writing so i guess he's on my team
sometimes i can't tell if a sound is coming from taraka or the drummer

5

1

2

daren stops and adam begins
the drummer has put a cast iron ash tray on his drum and his pounding it with a puffy mallot
adam is tapping the strings of his electric violin with

i didn't know where to put that

taraka looks like a russian stop action film from the 70's that they play on IFC sometimes on saturday mornings
if the crocodile and the beautiful cow can love the flowers and the leaves surely they can learn to love each other

2

i can feel the projections in my leg

the drummer is using his mallot handle on the edge of the drum and rubbing the drum with a device that measures the

i never know where to put that

the image on the ceiling seems like it might live there or be leaking from outside

taraka has left the center and walked toward the stage
she is still, i can see her golden...

the drummer is going out with a bang
taraka is motioning the sound that daren is making

the copper on the ceiling is my favorite of the evening, i literally cannot compete with traviss smalley

apparently there's been a cowbell on the kickdrum this whole time

adam re-enters the group

everyone is moving very quickly because we're all running away from the earlier portions of the performance
the mood is jittery, excitable
there is finally a joie de vivre

the important thing to remember

the long-term effect

general approval

i'm unable to distinguish daren from adam
i'm unable to distinguish taraka from the drummer, but i can distinguish the drummer from taraka, adam from daren
the universe from a big fucking hunk of copper

12345

it's a spacescape and a seascape
a hummingbird and a canary
a signal and a diversion
54
21
did he say three?

everyone is still except for daren
1

5
the drummer is bathed in seeds of light
taraka is walking toward traviss
adam and the drummer are similarly behaved
traviss and daren are remarkably calm
the light from traviss project feels very good on my face

i'm dancing

adam's dancing

2, 5

15

taraka and daren were together before daren was taken away

23

the mound in the center of the ceiling is delectable

adam and the drummer are jamming

taraka's film has lasted her all night

the center of the ceiling looks like a birthday cake

25?

the tide rushes in

1

the tide cedes

daren plays an italian quippy tune

2

1

the tide cedes

the drummer is looking at me

taraka is looking at her film

adam is covered by his hair

daren is calm

the ceiling is clear

the sound of an egg opening at the beginning of life
the tone of an ear, aging

3

a violin

a man clapping, he whistles

taraka retrieves her coat
the drummer stands
the ceiling goes blue

JAZZ MASSAGERS

December 2011 / January 2012

PHOTO


TEXT
Perfection has been a realistic goal in my life

Life, Spirit, Spiritual, God, Breathe, Breathing, Cerebrum,
Cerebellum, Meditation, Universe, Peace, Serenity, Posture,
Discipline, Prayer, Love, Hate, Anger, Sex, Pride, Resentment,
Jealousy, Read, Write, Conscious Mind, Subconscious Mind, Hearing,
Speaking, Cure, Recover, Medulla Oblongata

What do you fear? How many
of these things are beyond your control?

I am irresistibly driven toward the performance of some irrational
action, and it has manifested itself in each of the three dimensions.

I have been there and done that
I had to do something

mania for holding public office

passion for ferns

I have an obsession!!!?
... With potatoes. Legit. I mean, any kind of potato is a good potato
right? Raw potatoes, roasted potatoes, baked, mashed, fried, spiced
potatoes. French fries. And I could go on. Oh, except maybe rotten
potatoes aren't good. Anyway, I pretty much just eat potatoes for
dinner, lunch, and sometimes breakfast every day. It's nearly all I
eat. And like if someone has a french fry at school, I'll take it and
eat it. And I usually put salt and/or butter on my potatoes. My
parents say its unhealthy because I have an obsession (apparently I'm
a "fanatic") with potatoes and also I need to eat more than potatoes.
And I'm only a 13 yr old girl and I'm not fat.
How do I deal with my little problems? Oh yeah and I'm obsessed with
onions too. But don't get me started.... Mmm, especially potatoes AND
onions together....

delusion that one is incredibly intelligent
mania for sainthood mania for writing in hexameter severe mania minor mania

I read too much into Facebook, borderline obsession?

Whenever new pictures of me at events gets put on facebook. I'm
obsessively checking to see who's making tags and who's commenting,
and how I look, and whether to untag/tag, and deciding if I should
change my profile pic and seeing if other people did, and getting
jealous if people look good and I don't, and wondering if people
untagged themselves becuase they looked bad or if they don't want to
be in a pic with me.....it's freaking weird that something like this
affects me so much! Are other people like this? Besides deactivating
what is my deeper issue???

pathological indecisiveness

Because if they had it all the time, it wouldn't be special
Because it costs them a lot or they don't make as much off it...
or they only bring it out when they know a slow season is about to
start... If they know that every year December and March are slow, and
the Mc Rib brings in people, they will limit it to those months to
make up for the dip.
Its not seasonal - it is promotional. Big difference. There is no McRib season.
if they had it all the time, it wouldn't be special

mania for money mania for war mania for politics craze for polka
dancing irrational predilection for performing surgery pathological
desire for light

My friend joked with me saying I have an obsession, but I have a
feeling that I actually might.
I only started to eat McDonalds around this time last year, during my
childhood, i never ate it because i thought i didn't like it.
I know this is quite weird as yes, i am not obese or overweight or
anything? but could my obsession, (which coming up to the summer
holidays will increase and overpower me) lead me to that? I used to
weigh 11 stone and a half only a year ago until I lost a lot of weight
from being very ill.

moral insanity

RIGHT TO LIFE DRAWING

July 2011

ARTIST'S STATEMENT


PHOTO



TEXT
5 Sitting with legs crossed.

Chances are, if you're in this room with me right now, you will never be the Beatles, or Andy Warhol, or Ansel Adams, Jackson Pollock, Frida, Gandhi, Fred Astaire, Stephen Hawking, Houdini, Madonna, Elvis, Frank Gehry. Even if it were still possible for you, at your age, in this day and age, at your level of underdevelopment, in our mentally underdeveloped culture, to conjure that level of fame for you in your chosen field, you'd still never be Mozart, or Plato. The time to be that species has passed, so we should just forget about it whole-heartedly.

When can a life become significant, and why has everyone in this room dreamed of theirs becoming important? What were the markers in your life that suggested to you that you were better at something than everybody else? Or that your ideas were new? Or that others could like them? That somebody you didn't already know, who didn't in some way feel indebted to you, would take an excited interest in something you were working on, conjuring up, crafting into life, exploring into depth. You go to the German Expressionism show at the MoMA and it reminds you how much you love studying painting.

Chances are that if you're in this room with me right now, anything you worked on or conjured up or dreamed into life was unimportant, not just in the scheme of humanity, not just in the landscape of Jesus and Aeschalus, of Oprah and Einstein, of Laurel Nakadate and Ryan Trecartin, but in the past five minutes, or in the five minutes you spent on your life'swork, in the scheme of my blood-alcohol level or how well the toilet flushes at Culture Fix.

You will admit, like Socrates and Aristotle and Plato and some other philosophers, that there are instances where the death penalty would seem appropriate.

15 Lounging with supported head on side

The city is a sprawling treadmill. You are not moving anywhere. You are in a possible world where there may be no objects at all.

That's the funny thing about life drawing - any life can offer the challenge, line and tone, prespective and composition. Find out how masterful you can be. Take these ten minutes to do an in-depth study on this area, or even part of this area.

You are a songwriter with a beautiful voice. You are an emotive painter. You write poetry that bursts from your chest. You studied dance for a little bit but now you are being certified as a yoga instructor. You sculpt faces. You sculpt hands. You design asymmetrical dresses for class. You just bought a typewriter. You are a visual artist. You are really more of a performance artist. You are pretty well-known on Etsy. You have over 150 addresses on your mailing list. You have just knitted a cassette cover. You just moved to New York, together, from the Pacific Northwest. You are getting to the point where you're wondering if you should just say, You Know What, and put the dreams on hold, and get that 9 to 5, so you can have the things that you need, because you're getting older, and people are starting to expect things of you. You are basing your laws and your whole outlook on natural life on mythology.

You don't persuade to suicide. You gambled and you lost. You failed in securing your options for this choice for yourself, but you succeeded in verifying the Dark Age is still with us.

You want some colleague to be free to come help you when you say the time has come. That's what you were fighting for, you. Now that sounds selfish. And if it helps somebody else, so be it.


20 Lounging legs straight out

Try to keep things in proper proportion. My body is the length of seven and a half of my heads. But make me eight heads long. Flattery will get me at any time.

I don't enjoy good food. I don't enjoy flashy cars. I don't care if I live in a dump. I don't enjoy good clothes. This is the best I've dressed in months.

I realized my love for painting children and deviated from my professor’s emphasis on modern art. My strong sense of family and appreciation for beauty is echoed in all of my works.

I feel that my work could be enhanced by a special display of hand painted postcards of early twentieth century Vienna by a then-failed artist known as Adolph Hitler. Does it matter?

My penis is small and my breasts are small. Does it matter?

Great minds come to the same realizations.

You can't do the things that any regular stupid person would know how to do.

You have a secret goal to find love in the big city and then you do and then you lose it and then it becomes your goal again.

A naked moron is more endearing than a regular moron.

30 Sitting in a chair with one leg bent and one leg to the floor

Draw my lower half. Be perfectly honest. You have ten minutes.

If a man is terrified, it's up to you to dispel that terror.

If you don't have liberty and self-determination, you've got nothing, that's what this is what this country is built on. And this is the ultimate self-determination, when you determine how and when you're going to die when you're suffering.

It's the boredom that kills you. You read until you're tired of that. You do crossword puzzles until you're tired of that. This is torture. This is mental torture.

Keep in mind that your society hasn't chosen a best, not forever. You win Wimbledon for three of the last four years and then you lose this week, and you're not the best anymore. And you're still famous and rich.

All the people who compliment your crap have pathetic, puny brains.

35 Huddled over in a puddle with butt out

Everything begins with the skull. Everything ends.

Five to six thousand people die every year waiting for organs, but nobody cares.

This worthless feeling is a relief. If you can follow your empty, boring, forgettable pursuits with the clear knowledge that you will never be Nancy Spungen, if dreams are dead, everything is permitted. If you believe in the doctrine of your own meaninglessness, with absolute unwavering believe, you too can be powerful.

A life spent well brings happy death.

40 Laying down on back with one knee up and other leg bent

She made the decision that her existence had lost its meaning. And you cannot judge that.

You're going to be relieved when you're back at home and clean, not covered in shit and piss.

You're in a costume, it's an exaggerated version of your reality. You're worried that your regular self will be judged, but don't. It doesn't really matter what you're like. It's sensible to be more guarded about your creative pursuits. To worry about showing someone your music, your writing, your photographs, but don't. If you accept that you will never be very good at any of the things you like to do, and continue to do it, you will feel happiness on the skin of most fruits and in the sweat of many summer days.

Let's hope you feel better now.

YOGA FOR TWO

May 2011

ARTIST'S STATEMENT

“Eating for two, drinking for two, keeping your hands shoulder-width apart for two, fucking for two, missing the bus for two, allowing the belly to sink toward the floor for two, flossing for two, dropping the head slightly for two, dancing for two, moping for two, reading about the misery of the world with two sets of eyes; one pair is pale and not yet able to distinguish the horrors from the trees.”

ARTonAIR PHOTOS


TEXT
OPENING - The Beast with One Back Corpse pose ( minutes breathing and meditation)
laying down, legs shoulder-width apart, palms faced up, eyes closed

Ah, the beast with one back. As you lay there, take a moment to recognize how helpless you are. You are unarmed, unguarded, in no position of protection. No one is looking over at you to see that you are O.K. In concentrating on your vulnerability, your one defense is in fact your nervousness. Your anxiety. The hormones made to surge through you when you were in the woods and realized that you were not alone.

Take a moment to feel a weight, a weight heavier than your own, slowly press down on top of you, pressuring your pelvis and covering both of your hands. On your next breath hold it in. Feel it trapped in your torso. Note the throbbing in the pit of your stomach and recognize it echoing in your finger tips. At this moment, clench your thighs three times: one. Two. Three. And exhale.

Miserable things happen naturally. Take one more deep inhalation of lower manhattan’s Tuesday night air.

1. Gravida Lotus position (4 mins)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRYUyjsqMbM

within this pose we should do a series of slow includes head rolls and slow hip twists

The Gravida position. Sit up and bring the bottom of your feet together, creating one gaping hole in front of you. Take a moment to play with your legs, allow them to gain a floppy elasticity as they won’t be so free-moving forever. Now, pull your two feet closer to you, closer than they were before. Slide your thumbs between them, and cradle each foot in each hand. Slowly separate them after all this time. As your legs begin to lower themselves, concentrate on keeping your back perfectly straight.

Now, round your back and gently collapse onto your feet. Your head should be down and your elbows should be inside of your legs. And roll up and straighten your back again.

A sperm has met an egg and a miracle of strife has begun. Despite this, a second egg, ripe and red delicious, is dropped into the center you have created. You’re getting your period but you’re still pregnant. What kind of a world is this to bring a child into it. Save your kisses for me.

Bring your chin to your chest, and then bright it up again and look at Sarina. Lower your right ear to your right shoulder, and then look at Sarina head-on. Now your left ear to your left shoulder, and then back to Sarina. Bring your chin down, then swing your head to the left, swing your head to the right, and then roll it against your upper back. And roll it again. Oh yeah that feels nice. Now look at Sarina.

Put your hands on your knees. Now roll your hips as though this is your main source of transportation. Grind your perineum into the ground.


2. Zona Hatching Seated pose with outstretched legs (Baba Ramdes video) (4 mins)
-arms stretched out to each side, the right arm stretched over to the left left, followed by left arm stretched over to the right.
Seated with outstretched legs and arms behind you, arching back to push out belly. Will include ankle wiggles (baba ramdes)

The next pose is called Zona Hatching. Bring your legs out straight in front of you and try to sit up straight. Hold each of your arms out to the side. Reach your left hand over your head to your right side. Now reach your right hand over your left head to your right side. Repeat at Sarina’s pace.

The recent developments in maternal news are different celebrities becoming pregnant for different ligitimate reasons. Joining the pudding club. Doesn't it feel nice to have somebody like you for a member.

Now put your arms behind you. Arch your back to hurl your stomach outward. This will give you a feeling for what you will look like when you’re further along.


3. Sonogram Pose Upavistha Konasana1 (4 mins)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdE6Jw_HlhM

The sonogram pose. Slide your legs apart as open as you can. Put your hands under your butt and give yourself a little lift so you can stretch yourself out a little further. Your toes should be pointing at your shoulders. Keep your back perfectly straight. You hands can remain behind you for support.

Your water breaks in a van and all of the contractions are on top of each other and fabric seat is soaked with amniotic fluid and in the loudest voice you know how to make you swear that the top of the head of a baby exposed to the air.

4. Mourning Sickness (3 mins) Cat-cow (naked woman video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAFjP6fcF2Y

Time for mourning sickness. Come up onto all fours. Your hands should be directly beneath your shoulders and your knees should fall in line with your hands. Slowly bring your head down and as you do arch your head up, creating a clear path for your partially digestive food to glide onto your mat. Now gently bring your head up and lower your belly toward the floor.

You did this to me you asshole. You asshole. You asshole. Look what you've done to me. I'm ugly. You've turned me into a monster.

which then evolves into THIS, THIS IS AMAZING http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1758819800940261581#docid=-7116776698485890703

Now come back onto your knees with a straightened back. Use your hips to roll in a circle with your hands still attached to the floor. Do you like that baby. A moment in there, a lifetime in your heart.

5. Perineum Plant (3 mins) Pigeon pose

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQMsyrLowFw&feature=related
Returning to all-fours, bring your left shin up to your hands and slide your right leg all the way back. Lower your perineum to the floor. Curl around your bent leg and focus on breathing.

No more green tea, cigarettes, iced americanos, raw eggs, oysters, clams, mussels, or escargot that has been exposed to industrial pollutants, no more stinky foreign cheeses, boar's head, steak tartar, beer in public, wine in public, whisky, vodka, tequila with honey, pate de frois gross, or grapes straight from the bag at shop rite.

6. Chadwick’s Sign (6 mins) Reach to sky with arms shoulder-width apart, evolve into camper's pose - http://yoga.about.com/od/yogasequences/ss/prenatalsunsal.htm

Place your hands together and then bring them straight above your head. Lace them together if that’s what will hold them. Reach as far up as you can, reach with your hips, reach with your feet flat on the ground. Now as you continue to reach, bring your shoulders down. Keep them straight and attentive and low.

It is so good that you're here. These exercises are really going to help you while your body is going through all of these amazing changes. O - just listen to me.

Goodell’s Sign Half moon pose, evolving to downward-facing dog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcDAN8jEUIE

Separate your legs wide enough and bring your arms up creating a straight line across. Now reach over with your left arm to your right side. And with an exhalation come back up. Now to the left side, try to touch your foot with your right hand.

Open a newspaper from 1960 and there are complaints of debt and an imbalanced budget. Think back to World War I and remember that it was fumbled into, with nobody knowing what they were doing. Queen Elizabeth thought she was pregnant but she had cancer. The zodiac sign for cancer is a crab because a tumor feels like the clip of a claw. Things have always been bad. To have a child, now's as bad a time as any.

Heger’s Sign Next move is the fan pose - http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1758819800940261581#

Keeping your legs still spread apart, place your hands on your hips. Now slowly bend forward. Try to touch the floor. Then try to bring your hands back to your hips while remaining bent.

Eating for two, drinking for two, keeping your hands shoulder-width apart for two, fucking for two, missing the bus for two, allowing the belly to sink toward the floor for two, flossing for two, dropping the head slightly for two, dancing for two, moping for two, reading about the misery of the world with two sets of eyes; one pair is pale and not yet able to distinguish the horrors from the trees.

7. (4 mins) Lounging Placenta Reclining Goddess (performed first)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8lUdTbx1y4

Sit down again and bring your feet together again. Now slowly lower yourself to the floor.

Prepared Placenta reclining goddess (offered as an alternative to reclining goddess) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRco5wBQgt8&feature=related

The other option is to sit your right ankle on top of your left knee, so that your legs are intertwined. And keeping your arms behind your back, put your other feet on top of your pelvis, keeping both butts on the ground. One set of arms hold the hips while the other back lowers to the floor. Doesn’t this just feel nutritious?

The baby can hear you when you argue or order delivery. You turn music on it listens to it, too. It can recognize the way you talk to your cat when you're home alone.

You're floating in a wonderful, thick, warm tank. The squish of day to day life is wonderful. You are constantly massaged. Properly fed. Everything you hear is an ultra sound. Focus on this moment. You're going to miss this when it is gone.

8. Mother Girth (4 mins) Upavistha Konasana2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trgKgkztc40

Sit up and sit facing each other. All four legs should be out with the feet touching, creating a diamond shape on the floor. Wiggle around a little bit as you create a good balance between the of you. Join at the wrists wrists. One of you, I’m not saying who, should slowly move back, as the other follows. Keep going. Keep going until the follower is face down. Now change the tide. Slow and steady stretches the groin.

Now reach across and hold opposing hands. With your free hand, reach for the set of toes on the opposite side. Look across. Feel the good times of love’s miracle. The more you open your heart to the ceiling, the more you help the person attached to you.

Now switch sides.

You’re giving birth to your second daughter and you fart while you’re pushing. Surely you didn’t feel it coming and couldn’t have prevented a single second of it. You’re embarassed and you look at each other. A comedic rip. Something’s got a hold of your heart.

Keeping your feet attached, bring them up to the middle, creating a London Bridge. And then hold hands, perfectly erect back.

Bend your knees and lower your feet to the ground.

9. Adaptation to extrauterine life
Knealed, toes curled in, burning inner foot, breathing, arms up
Lean forward with hands shoulder width apart on floor, thud top of foot to floor

Now, kneal before Sarina and Camissa. Curl your toes in, keeping your back perfectly straight. Wait a whilte. Wait a while. Do you feel that? It’s the palm of your foot, the soul of your bottom half. It’s burning. It hurts but you aren’t doing anything wrong.

Release, lean forward, and thump the tops of your feet to the floor. Breathe baby, come on, breathe.

Now again. Hold it. You asshole.

Keep your arms up. A great joy is coming.

This is the miracle of strife.




10. Neonate Legs on wall (5 mins to end)
http://yoga.about.com/od/yogaposes/a/legsup.htm

Find a place on the wall. Put your butt near it and bring your legs up.

Your cat walks over to you because it thinks you're eating yogurt but you're not, it's a bowl of hummus or guacamole. The cat reaches its neck out and smells that its expectations were incorrect. And if this creature, with its small brain encased in a small skull can recognize fault, so too will this baby feel disappointment.

But you'll listen to music. And you'll argue. And the baby will remember an ultra sound and stop crying. Now's as good a time as any.

POVERTY YOGA

July 2010

PHOTOS



TEXT
1. CORPSE POSE

The planet is round but the world is flat. There are few nuances to the way in which the world flops from blockside to blockside, trudging along toward a predictable chain of money, chemical drugs, and mental dwarfism. It has come to be that Greed is predictable. Second only to nature is your understanding that anyone who is in control of anything is destined to abuse it.

Regardless of what you thought were valiant attempts to acquire love, you remain un-thought-of. Nobody prays for you in bed at night. Nobody thinks about you when their plane ride becomes more turbulent. No one wants to give you the last piece of their favorite fruit. This is your lack of basic human needs.

The lesser things in life are free. Take this opportunity to breathe in Industrial Ridgewood's Sunday night air.

Think about your dark energy. It is expanding the universe. Isn't that wonderful? The universe is propelled by that which can't be seen. Dark, dark fluids, like the blood in the pit of your stomach, compose a large part of our galaxy.


2. HEAD KNEE FORWARD BEND

Think about the last time you made chicken jumbalaya. It was for the company potluck. That remained for you a pleasant afternoon until recently, when you were laid off. Never cook for your employers. They are not being paid to care about you. Never look to me for assistance unless you plan to benefit me in an even greater way. We are not all in this together.

3. HEAD KNEE UPWARD LEG

Leave yourself open to manipulation.

4. HEAD KNEE THREE, ONE LEG OUT, HEAD SWOOPING UP

Think about the contents of your wallet. There is a picture of you with your birthdate and the name your parents picked for you. There is a card that accesses your bank account, which is rarely an exciting privilege for you. If there is any money in it at all, it's most probably dusted with cocaine, which should make it more valuable than it actually is.

5. COBRA

Envision yourself as a soldier, amputated by war, unwanted, friendless. Cherish your arms as they are your last remaining appendages.

6. FISH

Think of the things that make you sad. Accidents, diseases, natural disasters, missing a train, your parents hospital visits, your pet no longer capable of finishing its food, macaroni and cheese dinners, beef and pork in chicken broth, green pigeon peas, jack mackeral from a recently opened can, papaya slices in heavy syrup, items that you can boil in a bag or that are more delicious microwaved, vitamins and minerals, 9 foil fresh packs, the complete meal in a drink, sardines in tomato sauce, pizza for one,

7. BOW POSE

In the beautiful countries, where the people are thin and the slums look like celebrations, bursting with colors and flags, like gambling ships on still waters, cancers of the liver, stomach and esophagus are more common, caused mostly by smoked or salted food, and parasitic infections attacking these vital organs.

In the towns on Long Island, cancers of the colon, rectum, breast and prostate reign, caused by obesity, lack of yoga, diet and age.

There are more Ethiopian doctors in Chicago than in Ethiopia

8. SPINAL TWIST

I visited Greece several times as a child. We drove through Athens, an ancient city polluted as any, brown hair over white columns, without a nearby body of water, without a breeze to push it away. A child, tanned with dirt, washed our cars windshield when we were stopped at a traffic light. Then she appeared at the back window where I was sitting and asked me, in Greek, for one of my two dolls. In my honest opinion, the two dolls needed each other, so I spoke honestly, I didn't spare her feelings, I didn't share my dolls.

9. LION

Perhaps making a ridiculous face will slow the terminal sagging of your flesh and your dreams.

10. THE BRIDGE

Try to support yourself.


11. TABULA ROSA - *THE EMPTY TABLE*

If you lack nutrition, you gain a disease. If you don't have protein you get kwashiorkor. If you don't have sodium you get hyponatremia. if you don't have iron you get anemia. if you don't have iodine you get a goiter. If you don't have vitamin A you get Night Blindness. if you don't have vitamin b you get beri beri, pellagra, and pernicious anemia. if you don't have vitamin c you get scurvy. if you don't have vitamin d you get rickets. if you don't have vitamin e you get nervous. if you don't have vitamin k you hemorrhage blood.

12. BOAT POSE

In November of 1999, Elián Gonzalez, his mother, and twelve others left Cuba on a small aluminum boat with a faulty engine; Elián's mother and ten others died in the crossing. Elián and the other two survivors floated at sea on an inner tube. It was then that they met a dolphin named Grace. She smiled at them and entertained them and taught them to catch fish with their mouths, until they were rescued by two fishermen, who turned him over to the U.S. Coast Guard. By the grace of Grace went Elian.

13. CORPSE

Keep your head on the floor and feel the vibrations of our flat world. Your skull is slowing filling up with a dark liquid, an unseeable matter, and it will propel you from this day forward.

POPSICKLE LITERARY FESTIVAL

JULY 2010

FLIER


TEXT
Where Am I This Time

If I eat a sandwich, or if I laugh too hard, or if I leave my mouth open while I'm in the shower and gargle leaded water, my tooth will invariably fall out. In its inability to tear bread products, the tooth settles in, abandoning me for a small, savory lifestyle that ultimately won't lead very long. I only eat sandwiches socially, and since I have no qualms about speaking with a mouth full of food, I usually have to interrupt what I'm saying to slack my jaws, slip the tooth from a starchy nook, turn away from my lunch partner, and push it back into my head, returning it to its position as one of my two front teeth. The person with whom I'm seated will inquire as to whether I should have cleaned it off first, and then our meal will resume its original pace. If I'm not on my guard in the shower, water will flush between my gums and the tooth and the tooth will drop to the shower floor, at which time I scramble to stop it from going down the drain. One evening I was at a party and everyone was dancing and I was drunk and really enjoying myself. I snorted at someone's joke and it catapulted my tooth from the safety of my orifice to a sweaty room full of people who were moving their feet wildly, and as I looked down at a grey floor that was pulsating with dirty sneakers, I was staring at my new future: I wouldn't be able to go into work anymore, or kiss anyone, or eat sandwiches - although I shouldn't really be eating sandwiches anyway.

The tooth is fake, of course. I own it, so it's mine, and my parent's gave it to me, so it has a lot of the qualities of the real, calcified boney structure, except that it's made of porcelain and it no longer functions as an eating device. There's a centimeter-long screw attached to the artificial incisor, and there's black hole in my gum in which I shove the screw. It doesn't hurt but it looks very painful.

When I'm on the train I will invariably day dream about money or something sexual, and when I come-to the train will be between stations, sometimes stopped between stops, and if the digital sign is broken and the digital maps are showing the upcoming route of a completely different train line, I won't know where I am. I won't know if I had missed my stop. This begins a game for me - look around at the people on the train and based on physical and socio-economical characteristics, guess what stops are left on this train ride. White nuclear families in fleece over-clothes suggest that we haven't stopped at 42nd St Times Square yet. If there are still elderly Asian women with sandals and carts on the train then we probably haven't hit Canal or Grand St. People within my own bracket, "hipsters," if you will be so bold, are no help in this department. They could be travelling from any neighborhood to any borough. And what's worse, they are most probably spacing out and missing their train stops, too.

One afternoon I noticed that there was a mouse propped upright against one of the white plastic legs of my bathroom's industrial sink. From what I can tell it had sat down for a nap or just a short rest and then, unable to withstand the immense comfort and relaxation, the mouse gently expired. A roommate removed the mouse for me, as I'm a woman faint-at-heart, unable to man-handle such critters of the night, and upon freeing up a little space I noticed a box of pregnancy tests. They were CVS brand and their pink box had been opened, revealing a last, individually-wrapped, exceptionally informative white wand. They weren't mine but they had probably been purchased by someone like me. Someone smart and artistically inclined, someone who operates in a creative community and has sex a lot. Two blue stripes means pregnant, one blue stripe means off-the-hook-this-time. I was fairly elated to get a free pregnancy test. I jumped on the toilet and urinated on the felt point and then I turned it upside-down and didn't look at it and prepared for the best.

Last night I went to a major house party and everyone was there. A person I don't know very well, in conversation with a close friend of mine, brought up a person I know reasonably well, saying, "Nathan's front tooth fell out while he was driving."
I was attracted. The story continued, "Yeah, his front tooth is fake, and recently it fell out while he was eating a bagel. So he went all the way to his parents' house in Virginia and spent $900 to get a new front tooth. And then the next week he was driving and a gust of wind came and as his tooth fell out and the tooth blew out the window. So now he doesn't have a tooth."

My roommate has a chipped front tooth. Another friend does, too. My friend's cousin just lost her front tooth. A former coworker of mine was waiting on a new front tooth made of graphed bone, and in the meantime he chose to go about his days short of one central incisor. What is this trend? Why is this a common thread in my post-adolescent, urban community? When my dad was 23 he had a job selling cell phones and a one-year-old daughter named Alaina. I'm 24 and I'm probably a decade away from either of those things, give or take a few pregnancy scares. And so are all of the toothless wonders in my daily life.




My father told me that it would be financially sensible to get the implant while I was in New York. I wanted to go to Los Angeles to get it so that afterward I could laze around his apartment on painkillers, watching some of Hollywood's most recent accidents on digital cable and saving all of my visceral responses to their dialog in emails to myself; I don't have any friends in LA county in front of whom I could comfortably yell at the television, and even if I did I would be hardly capable of yelling.

For instance, earlier today I had trouble eating a pear. I couldn't bite right into it, definitely not, and even when I went at it from the side with my canines as though it was a spare rib or an acorn, I still found bright blood in the grainy grooves of the pale fruit.

A lot of things have become difficult for me. My central incisor, stage left when watching the performance of my mouth, isn't a real tooth at all. I'm not entirely sure what it's made of, but it's held in my mouth by a A bagel with cream cheese yanked my

When I was a little kid, I was an asshole the same way I am now, except that I didn't use very much fowl language or sex to accomplish goals; but I definitely used everything else: crying, benign threats, falling from fast-moving recreational tools without wearing protective padding - these actions got instant results.

NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE YOGA

December 2010

TEXT
The universe is rejecting you. As you inhale, thrust your chin toward the midtown sky. Look out at a sky that may very well have been ordered to hate you. Wonder - if there was a God, what have you possibly done to warrant his care?

As you exhale, looking at something less varied and brilliant, meditate on the emptiness of your cosmic position. You are alone and you are not empowered.

Focus on something lifeless as you breathe at a slow and steady rate. You are cold and bound to yourself alone. If you are dependent on something that benefits you, it is something that has not chosen you, something that perhaps lacks the ability to make its own decisions. Nothing is willingly dependent on you, except your lungs that need you to breathe at a slow and steady rate.

Find your center. Your heart in your ribs in your shirt in the middle of a room in the middle of the block in the middle of Manhattan in the center of human life's cultural importance in the concentration of pollution and advertising and hatred and denial and ignorance and confusion.

Feel the long-term strain of your senseless work attire. Review some of your more stressful lifestyle choices. Your long hours, your powdered donuts, your mediterranean paninis, your pizza as you walk down the street, your ankles and the concrete, your heavy shoes as you stand for too long or sit for too long and drink caffeine, prepared the way you would prefer a new lover - strong, makes your heart race, sweet, bitter, cold, inspiring anxiety, inducing bowel movements, dark, depressing, and ultimately causing colon cancer.


1. a sense of being dead

A mini-van attempts an illegal u-turn without properly alerting a japanese sedan, and when the two collide the mini van is hurled toward the New York City sidewalk.

Now that you have wireless Internet on the airplane, you don't know who to call when your turbulence worsens.

You're listen to bud headphones loudly when a person comes behind you and intentionally bumps you onto the train tracks.

You're at a party and you've had an uncounted amount of vodka drinks. An acquaintance leads you to a room and shuffles different lines for you, and some of them are cocaine and some of them are ecstasy. One of them seems harsh but maybe you just blew too much at once, y'know? You have a cigarette outside and you trip and scrape both of your knees, and when you see blood on your calf you feel dizzy and you go to the bathroom to vomit and you feel so exhausted that you rest your head on the floor.

2. a feeling of peace and painlessness

You are operating harmoniously. Your skin is conciliatory with the muscles it dutifully conceals. Your cartilages are respectful of your bones' choices. Symbiosis runs rampant.

For the time being, gravity is holding its effect on your face. Your veins retract, your pupils reach for your skull. All is still and wistful.

3. an out-of-body experience

The inuits use the separation from soul sensation in the days following unlucky hunts. They are transported to a far away, a place foreign but still recognizable. There they are inspired by differences, enlightened to the ways of improving their failed hunts.

A rope appears above your head. It's gold and woven, silky with an artificial sheen. Imagine that you are reaching for it with your dominant hand. Pull on it with the strength you would require to lift your head to where your hand it. You are pulling your soul up through the top of your head.

You see yourself for the first time as other people have seen you for years.

4. tunnel experience (a sense of moving through a narrow passageway)

The journey from the Earth to the earthbound realm. The journey from the Earth to the void. The journey from the Earth to the void and then to heaven. The journey from the Earth to heaven. The journey from the Earth to the earthbound realm, then to the void, then to heaven. The journey from the Earth to the void, then through the tunnel to a heavenly receiving station in heaven

You are very focused and you have someplace to go.

5. encountering People of Light

Emily is a person of light. Sasha is a person of light. Kunal is a person of light. Devin is a person of light. They beam orange and red as they slowly surround you, smiling without showing their teeth. They tell you that they love you, and you wonder, I don't even know these people very well when could they have possibly decided to love me. But they do. And they mean it.

6. encountering a Being of Light or a force

My voice is beginng to feel like a large, strong force. An ugly, nasal powerhouse. A blinding, sufficating seat in a burning theater. A deep-toned dive into something murky and awful.

7. being given a Life Review

A hologram materializes before you. It plays an account of your experiences and your actions. Many of these, your memories, feel foreign to you, because you forgot them, because they haven't meant anything to you in a very long time. They start from your perspective as you once lived them and then ripple out, following your effect on others. You forget to pay back your friend for $180 and she never brings it up. You look at a naked picture of a girl in your high school and send it along. You show a taxi driver your middle finger when he doesn't pick you up and then he speeds down second avenue. You cheat on a boyfriend and he finds out and he never confronts you about it and blames himself and sadly hopes to meet someone else. You forget to call your grandmother on her birthday and she sits in her living room with your grandfather, and talks about how busy you are and how proud she is of you. Modest people sitting down to moderately healthy, high sodium dinners after you unintentionally stomped through their afternoons. You would hope that your influence would be further reaching. You would like to imagine that people of great consequence would be toiling over your actions. But no, it's generally just simpletons, excusing you for your maliciousness. Your discomfort is incredible.

8. a reluctance to return

Should you return to earth? How have you earned a physical presence? Probably not, but unfortunately, most important choices are not yours to make. Welcome back to Earth on 42nd Street.

9. loss of fear of death / greater spirituality / ecological sensitivity

You have silently confronted your ill wills and regrets in a public setting, in the center of the city, to the left of the Prime Meridian, on the early edge of the millennium. Your ill wills, your prejudices have tickled up your sacred chest; soft caresses, not unlike those of a feather, are trailing your inner arms. You can feel them on your middle three fingers' tips, gentle and slightly wet as though they are really the lips of your favorite lover. And with that they are above us now. In a smokey white cloud. Yours, mine, all of our demons, wrestling each other and finally leaving us alone.

You wonder what death could offer you after this evening. Is any sad experience left but in the possibilities you have regained tonight, the times you have yet to squander that you didn't think you'd have?

NIGHTLIFE EMPOWERMENT YOGA

TEXT

Upon being promised space on the guest list of an event, a fear is born; the possibility arises that you will dress impeccably, adorning something daring or expensive or particularly special, apply makeup and comb your hair and use Crest Whitening with anticipation, and on the big night you'll recite your name to a short, simply dressed, but none-the-less-intimidating hostess of the event, who will then look down at a sheet, look back up at you smiling, and apologize that you will not be admitted.

This nightlife neurosis is alleviated slightly when the party is in a small park between two busy streets in Chinatown. Everyone attending the party is still beautiful and stylish, the people guarding the entrance are still powerful, but much of the pretense is eliminated. If you were to get the big N-O afterall, you will still be able to watch the fashion show, leaning on a wrought iron gate, in the company of chained bicycles and the curious employees of the markets on Chrystie Street.

There stands in the middle of an urban playground a soft white spiral, illuminated with purples and bright yellows, resembling the tip of an iceberg. And because the party has yet to start, it's appropriate that that is all you can see. Night falls and anticipation rises.

BON VOYAGE YOGA

FLIER


TEXT
On the afternoon that you have chosen for when you will really leave, the placement of your desk, the view of the pavement from your window, the shop that you have walked into for breakfasts and dinners, after eight, after eleven, after working on the weekend, after seeing a person disinterested in you with whom you would wish you were traveling, after drinking on the train and bumping into a girl you knew from college, the bar you went to once but walk passed all the time, number one delicious chinese food take out or eat in, the ugly beauty salon, the ugly nail salon, the inactive children's center, the incompetent hardware store, the location of the city funded trash receptacles, all will begin to seem new and strange, the way they looked on the first day you saw them. You'll stop seeing them soon and they won't impact you at all until you see them again.

We are not eternally as we are. We have shared the same spot on a well-plotted map, large units of time pulsating with closeness, and it can be followed how each of us changed and how each of us has come to be.

You are leaving to study the earth with a rapidity that you have seldom felt before. You wish to study the land's features, inhabitants of varying sizes, and its phenomena. You wish to float along the great belize barrier reef, to cross the hoover, to take a picture in front of victoria falls or potala palace, the cn tower, polar ice caps, mayan ruins, the old city of jerusalem, saint sofia cathedral, manicougan crater, snowdon, overton yew trees, muir woods, peterhof, the pink and white terraces near rotorua, the Leaning Tower of Teluk Intan, and the seven wonders of Ukraine.

The planet is round but the world is flat, and as it flops from blockside to blockside, trudging along toward a predictable chain, your brain, your curiosities, and your real value will thicken and cool.

When we see you again you will be undoubtedly more intelligent and more beautiful.

EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY YOGA

August 2010

PHOTO


TEXT
How to achieve self-confidence and emotional stability with a body actualized


luck is mere luck

Regardless of what you thought were valiant attempts to acquire love, you remain un-thought-of.  Nobody prays for you in bed at night.  Nobody thinks about you when their plane ride becomes more turbulent.  No one wants to give you the last piece of their favorite fruit.  You are not very lucky.

And yet, of the 40 million flagellating cum bullets that were shot into your recumbent mother a decade or two-and-a-half ago, yours was the one who found the glowing pink orb. You are here, a living, breathing, young, attractive, american human being of privilege that was in no way honestly earned. You are in the most famous city in the world. You have working muscles. You have a big, bulbous brain. You have reflexes that stop you from burning your hand badly when a surface is too hot. The universe if protecting you.

a firm foundation of faith

Believe in this roof. Believe in this one-hundred-and-twenty-year-old structure. Believe in Bushwick's Friday night sky. Believe in the space landing. Believe in ghosts and aliens. Believe in luck, and in turn, believe in bad luck. Believe in Fortunato, slightly drunk, lead to a wine cellar and then losing his consciousness. When he comes to he is being cemented into a confined space from which he will not escape. Believe that his only crime was being annoying and spending the evening with a person who was emotionally unstable.

discipline of the mind

The only thing you have less control over than your own behavior is your mind.

If you knew what you wanted to do then you would probably be doing it. If you knew what you wanted from your life then I would hope that you were doing it. The knowledge of a pursuit that would bring you peace is more difficult than the pursuit itself.

Your brain is a trap. You run around your house looking for your phone because you always leave it on vibrate. You look for a cigarette that you have put behind your ear. You overcook pasta. You have unprotected sex with the wrong people. You blurt out other people's personal information in the awkward lull of a conversation. You take someone's seat and then you have to give it back. You save an attractive person's phone with only six digits and you wonder why can't the simple things in life be easy for you.

focus on others

Think of the things that make you sad. Accidents, diseases, natural disasters, missing a train, your parents hospital visits, your pet no longer capable of finishing its food, macaroni and cheese dinners, beef and pork in chicken broth, green pigeon peas, jack mackeral from a recently opened can, papaya slices in heavy syrup, items that you can boil in a bag or that are more delicious microwaved, vitamins and minerals, 9 foil fresh packs, the complete meal in a drink, sardines in tomato sauce, pizza for one,

Think of the last person you broke up with. The water collecting on their lower eye lid. Your indifference becomes more apparent as they blurt unsavory things like, "I knew this was going to happen" or "Was it something I said?" or "Did you ever really find me attractive?"

You don't get it. You see the same person every few days for years. You find the person attractive physically, but no more so than most people you see in a restaurant or on the train. You have things in common but you have things in common with your friends and with teachers you've liked and sometimes with your parents. So what happened? One evening you bump into each other and something's different. You say something about how when people communicate they both smile to show that they are in agreement on something. And then you both smile.

passion

You and I are a force of nature. What we lack in speed like that of angry weather, like the heat of a volcano, the strength of the waves, or the pull from our moon, we make up for in romance. We alone are imprinted with the capacity to be passionate toward anything. In the jungle, our claws and fangs is our bulbous brain and beasts respect it; if they discover a human baby they will undoubtedly rear it, recognizing that they have found something special.

You have the luxury to feel strongly at your own choosing. Even if you think that your loves and hates are out of your control, they are still based on your own standards in life. Bad things have happened to you, but your life was never ravaged. This is not true for a very large portion of our species.

Envision yourself as a soldier, amputated by war, unwanted, friendless. Cherish your arms as they are your last remaining appendages.

perseverance

If at first you don't succeed try something else with the same level of fervor.

Picking up a hobby is the most attractive thing you can do. Build a chessboard. Walk a dog. Make a cake that takes a really long time to bake. Fuck someone that you never thought you would be able to fuck. Learning from a new experience is on par with finishing an essay on philosophy.

Imagine that you are overhearing a conversation about you.

FUCKED UP EARTH YOGA

July 2010

VIDEO

FUCKED UP EARTH YOGA at Silent Barn from Loud Objects on Vimeo.



TEXT
1. Sun Salutations

The good of the world has evaporated and you were not welcome to go along with it. It is drifting in a direction that is falsely considered heavenward. Take this time to reach for it with your ugly, throbbing hands. Behold - the universe is rejecting you. Look into a sky that may very well have been ordered to hate you.

Feel the ground as it groans for help. The tactile plates that will tear Manhattan like a baguette shudder and purr. Woodhull and the Wyckoff Heights hospital and even Bellevue are not trauma centers. When the earthquakes arrive, you won't have anywhere to go.

Under the land in North Korea there are nuclear bombs detonated. An enormous, poisonous rumble is created, but no waters rise, few die, the other side of the planet does not mail in an insufficient amount of aid. The earth wonders if it is time to show the human aggressors how infinite destruction is actually done.

2. Warrior Series

When the hurricane strikes, you and your father and your mother look to the sky. Wonder - if there was a God, what have any of you possibly done to warrant his care? Wonder if your first love ever cared about you.

God gathers up two heavenly armfuls of better petroleum for you and your family. With much grace and indifference, you bowls it over the eastern seaboard. Oil on your face and hair. Oil streaming down your windows. Oil fresh out of the tap.

3. Corpse Pose - Cobra

Inside of you is a series of hopes and wishes, things that you have planned for yourself but have not yet achieved. Many are secret goals that close friends can only assume by your behavior. You have promised them to yourself and believe that they will happen before you finish out the rest of your life, but now that the end is upon us your aspirations are no more important than a Chinese food order for pick up. Your years of study, of honing skills, are tickling up your ribs; soft caresses, not unlike those of a feather, are trailing down your inner arms. You can feel them on your middle three fingers' tips, gentle and slightly wet as though they are really the lips of your favorite lover, all of it dripping into the floor and immediately drying. And with that they are above us now. In a smokey white cloud. Yours, mine, all of our futures, wrestling each other and finally leaving us alone.

Your guard is down. With nothing to anticipate you are lighter.

Because there is no longer anything to distinguish you, you are forced to once again think upon the rest world. Lunge across it. See its fires. Hear its cries. What is the world's worth?

4. Fish Pose

Meditate on the things you will miss from the world, the things that have brought you fortune, laughter, love, sex, sugary bruised fruits, dark green vegetables, buttery crackers, dolphins, pelicans, mallards, sharp cheeses that flake all over the table.

5. Bow Pose

Squeeze the emptiness from your ankles. It seeps out slowly, runs cool along the ridge of your feet and drips to the floor beneath you. It doesn't dry quickly at all.

6. Child's Pose

You are kneeling in a puddle existential misery, on an Earth of ending wonder. Above you is a pulsating, milky fog of your total worth. Despite these things, you begin to see your body as the body of a deity. There is no other God to forget about you, no rejection coming down from the cosmos. You are a product of love. Your positivity can be felt by someone else.

7. Spinal Twist

For the next 30 seconds you will feel a small hell in your abdomen.

8. Lion Pose

Exhale hard with your belly, quickly, 60 times.

9. Shoulder Stand

Focus on something lifeless as you breathe at a slow and steady rate. You are bound to yourself alone. If you are dependent on something that benefits you, it is something that hasn't chosen you, that lacks the ability to make its own decisions. Nothing is dependent on you, except your lungs that need you to breathe at a slow and steady rate.

10. Corpse Pose

Your palms are facing that which is not effected by this planet's gravity. They face a harmonious system, a starry and forgiving firmament, the waters of the Gods, the ice on the moon.

EVIL YOGA

June 2010

PRESS

PHOTOS


TEXT
1. Sun Salutations

The good of the world has evaporated and you were not welcome to go along with it. It is drifting in a direction that is falsely considered heavenward. Take this time to reach for it with your ugly, throbbing hands. Behold - the universe is rejecting you. Look into a sky that may very well have been ordered to hate you.

Under the land there are nuclear bombs detonated in order to see what would happen. An enormous, poisonous rumble is created, but no waters rise, few die, the other side of the planet does not mail in an insufficient amount of aid. The earth wonders if it is time to show the human aggressors how infinite destruction is actually done.

2. Warrior Series

In the beginning there was a tarantula, and a brown ball, and four primary-colored strings attacked to the ball. Not taped, or glued, or tied; attached the way that you are to your parents, the way you are to your dreams. The tarantula, more creative than tarantulas are now, pulled each of the attached strings in a unique direction - north, south, east, and so on.

The ball stretched and grew, it's soft hide marred by the tugs. It sprouted breasts and a cavernous hole, two even. Then three. They filled with the ball's sweat.

Sweat on your face and hair. Sweat streaming down the window in your room. Sweat fresh out of the tap.

Wonder - if there had been a God, what have any of you possibly done to warrant his care? Wonder if your first love ever cared about you.


3. Corpse Pose - Cobra - Gukumatz (Feathered Serpent)***

Gukumatz

Inside of you is a series of hopes and wishes, things that you have planned for yourself but have not yet achieved. Many are secret goals that close friends can only assume by your behavior. You have promised them to yourself and believe that they will happen before you finish out the rest of your life, but now that the end is upon us your aspirations are no more important than a Chinese food order for pick up. Your years of study, of honing skills, are tickling up your ribs; soft caresses, not unlike those of a feather, are trailing down your inner arms. You can feel them on your middle three fingers' tips, gentle and slightly wet as though they are really the lips of your favorite lover, all of it dripping into the floor and immediately drying. And with that they are above us now. In a smokey white cloud. Yours, mine, all of our futures, wrestling each other and finally leaving us alone.

Your guard is down. With nothing to anticipate you are lighter.

Because there is no longer anything to distinguish you, you are forced to once again think upon the rest world. Lunge across it. See its fires. Hear its cries. What is the world's worth?

4. Fish Pose

Meditate on the things you will miss from the world, the things that have brought you fortune, laughter, love, sex, sugary bruised fruits, dark green vegetables, buttery crackers, dolphins, pelicans, mallards, sharp cheeses that flake all over the table.

5. Bow Pose

Squeeze the emptiness from your ankles. It seeps out slowly, runs cool along the ridge of your feet and drips to the floor beneath you. It doesn't dry quickly at all.

6. Child's Pose

You are kneeling in a puddle existential misery, on an Earth of ending wonder. Above you is a pulsating, milky fog of your total worth. Despite these things, you begin to see your body as the body of a deity. There is no other God to forget about you, no rejection coming down from the cosmos. You are a product of love. Your positivity can be felt by someone else.



7. Spinal Twist

For the next 30 seconds you will feel a small hell in your abdomen.

8. Lion Pose

Exhale hard with your belly, quickly, 60 times.

9. Shoulder Stand

Focus on something lifeless as you breathe at a slow and steady rate. You are bound to yourself alone. If you are dependent on something that benefits you, it is something that hasn't chosen you, that lacks the ability to make its own decisions. Nothing is dependent on you, except your lungs that need you to breathe at a slow and steady rate.

10. Corpse Pose

Your palms are facing that which is not effected by this planet's gravity. They face a harmonious system, a starry and forgiving firmament, the waters of the Gods, the ice on the moon.

Alaina Stamatis C.V.

ALAINA STAMATIS
1154 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn, NY
Hmsalaina@gmail.com
nightlife columnist for Impose Magazine
horoscope generator and missed connections aggregator for Showpaper

EDUCATION
B.A. in Journalism from SUNY Purchase College, 2008

PERFORMANCES
March 2012 - Natural & Lasting Attraction Yoga for ITINERANT Festival - Grace Exhibition Space
February 2012 - Mating Dance Lessons with Lea Bertucci and Medallion Sinclair - Outpost Artist Resources
December 2011 - Printed Matter / Jesse Hlebo's Certain Distortions - 285 Kent
November 2011 - Singing Scones instructional cooking video - (in production)
July 2011 - Right to Life Drawing with Loud Objects - CultureFix
June 2011 - Yoga for Two with Justin Frye of PC Worship - Clocktower Gallery
December 2010 - Near-Death Experience Yoga with Sasha Winn of Blissed Out - Showpaper 42nd St Gallery
August 2010 - Poverty Yoga with Nonhorse, Kunal Gupta of Loud Objects, and Greem Jellyfish - Silent Barn
July 2010 - Fucked Up Earth Yoga with Nonhorse - Silent Barn
June 2010 - Evil Yoga with Prince Rama - Market Hotel

OTHER WORKS
November 2011 (in production, book) - Knife And Pen, featuring a recipe and story for "Singing Scones" - San Francisco
August 2011 - Knife And Pen, featuring a recipe and story for "The Devil's Chicken" - San Francisco
September 2010 - "Cooperstown" video piece in show, "What, No Hello?" (with G. Lucas Crane, Jesse Hlebo, Grass Widow, and Oberhofer, curated by Gabrielle Shaw and Todd P) - Downtown Center for Television (DCTV)

AWARDS
Artist-in-Residency program in April 2012 at Clocktower Gallery / ARTonAIR Radio
(2x) President of Cheese Club at SUNY Purchase